the flaming lips

at the o.c fair,
the sound they made was love.

psychedelica sound waves is wednesday.

venice

walking through venice always makes me jealous...

i should live this life.
i should make this art.
i should have dreads.
i should make love in a van.

sugar

sights of the hollywood hills
with the sounds of system of a down.

head banging at the hollywood bowl is monday.

sd to la

the best thing to come from pain?

this new family.
who saved me.

no need for me to worry anymore.
the universe really is taking care of me.

and it gave me the best weekend i've had in a while.

we must

but it has gotten to be too hard...
but still, i know, one day we must

is there anything as meaningful as belief?
anything as discouraging as mistrust?

dolla bill

"went to get you nyquil.
tried to wake you
brb <3"

you're sweet.
naive to this game,
but very sweet.
i'm pretty naive to this game also.

she laughs

apparently bounce houses aren't considered an extreme sport...

but swindling money from the drunk unsuspected is one we can both play and win...

sexuality

reanalyze... rediscover... sexuality.

pansexual/ omnisexual- attraction regardless of gender. gender blind.
... i see no gender.
... i see no significance.
... i see no dick.
... i see no pussy.
... i feel your warmth.

demisexual- the need for a strong emotional connection in order to feel sexual attraction.
... i can't just fuck you.
... can i get inside you before i get inside you?
... your pain makes you human. i love humans.
... your optimism makes you sexy. you're too sexy.
... your tears makes you vulnerable. we'll both be vulnerable in the shower.

sapiosexual- finding sexual attraction to the intelligence of others
... your philosophy makes me wet.
... you make me think differently.
... i want to undress your mind, not fuck with it.
... i want to learn from you.
... fuck you're beautiful.

daydream

day dreamer...

can't lie... today i needed to run again.
looked up to the sky, saw the ether and there i ran for bit.

no worries if there's no one to run with...
or no one to wish you were there with.

we don't have to run together...
i don't really know if we ever had.
today i selfishly run.

with my shoes off, i drop to the grass, look straight and run away.
i do what i do best.

i will always run...
to you, to me
always away from you, away from me.

lovers...

the first two of our group madly in love with each other to get married...

the other two are just too gay to function.

after all the shit of love and hurt is said and done...
It's beautiful that people are so madly in love because somewhere in the mix love still feels good...

who am i still in love with?
this dysfunctional family... after 8 amazing years of love and hurt.
that's enough for me.

friends

reasons to smile and just absolutely love life...

- these beautiful friends
- one fucking beautiful girl... who thinks I'm beautiful too.
-my friends telling me that this is the happiest they've seen me in forever.

i'm blessed to have people in my life happy that I'm finally happy...
and all i want to do is do whatever i can to make her happy.

birthday

my best friend... 

what  may be the best year of our forever young and tender lives.

happy birthday.

epic birthday weekend travels!

too many things to celebrate.

The final Intermission- Montauk

today i stand,
a woman in montauk.

whether he, she, you, they, meet me there is out of my hands
but i stay in montauk.

i stay hopeful, i stay innocent
i stay loving, i stay compassionate

i stay knowing i left that world gracefully
i stay knowing i have nothing on my hands

i pack strength, i pack life
i pack new chapters, i pack crayons

i pack no map, i pack zombie finger puppets
i pack respect, i pack punches

i leave you, i leave me
i leave regret, i leave peacefully

i come changed, i come jaded
but i still come open, and i come baring all
as if no lesson has been learned

i smile, i laugh, i'm excited
what is this so called "adventure?"

satisfied? far beyond and grateful
i am living. i am infinite.
i am finally free.

montauk, you've been waiting.
montauk, i am here.
montauk, what do you have for me?
montauk, you're more beautiful than i had ever imagined.

can we not be cynics?
can we say the universe took it's toll?
can we say the universe did what was right?

i can say that.
the universe wanted me here... in montauk.
not there... dying.
montauk, i have found myself.
montauk, give me destiny.

friend,
love yourself enough to find yourself,
collect the pieces and
"meet me in montauk"
you'll love it here...
... you'll love me here.
                

Intermission- ...capades

sex no longer has to be anything more than fuck
... apparently i'm late to this...
... apparently this is how most people feel...
... apparently i was a victim...

sex no longer has be such a big deal
... i'm 25, i can handle this...
... i'm 25, i'm realistic...
... i'm 25, i'm learning this...

sex can just be about pleasure
... i need pleasure...
... you need pleasure...
... i don't love you...

sex used to be something more than fuck
... apparently i was wrong...
... apparently others thought i was stupid...
... apparently i should fuck...

sex used to be a big deal
... i'm 16 and it's my first time...
... i'm 23 and i'm in love...
... i'm 25 and i'm being used...

sex used to be about love
... i need you...
... you want me...
... i want to show you...

things change fast.
i change fast.
it changed me.

...capades. 

Intermission- holding hands

my hands forget how to hold
how to feel shameless
how to feel proud

my hands build, write, type, pleasure
but do not hold

my hands feel pain, wind, hot and cold
but not warmth

my hands have scratched backs, pulled hair, and have held faces to look into eyes
but have not had emotion

my hands have been tricked
my hands have been lied to

they've held lies, deceit, and fakery
but not sensibility

my hands hold ________
my hands hold history
my hands held his at one point
now, my hands only hold my head up
and is proud that it's empty

my hands are tired, they are empty
but not defeated

my hands want to hold ________
my hands want

Intermission- confused

today shall we say there is no more difficulty in life?
until we create such...

i can say i can let go of this idea...
crazy idea...
stupid ideas...
risky ideas...

but i want and need.
this want makes me feel like a human
this need makes me feel like a woman

so like me, so predictable of me
to be so unlike me, so unpredictable.

... looking at this beautiful woman
can you be anymore a woman?
can we feel the same?
can we see the same?
can we both accept?
can we both want?
what can never possibly be possible.
 
i laugh... knowing all i can do is laugh at life.
life... you're a twisted motherfucker.
but god damn do i feel alive!?
and i will crash and i will burn.
you will in turn laugh at me.
and this is how i learn.
this is how you teach.

... can i just be honest?
as usual... maybe a little too honest?
can you understand... another woman like you?
that this is a new love letter?

so alike.
i want to be you, want to hold you, want to tell you

... you'r(e) worth. more than a man. can.

Intermission- advice

" ...karm! be careful here. you're treading on confusing water"

rowing this boat is confusing.
but exciting.
but scary.
but almost too enticing.

i realize i may drown.

Intermission- jumping

on the edge of this earth i stand.
with flowers braided in my hair
and emptiness flowing though my hand.

i step on that last step,
look down through the clouds and see
my life, my love, i breathe in ecstasy.

I lift my head, extend my arms,
accept the light, the ether,
her elation, his harm.

shall i leap? can i fly?
i do, i can't, this risk is damned.
i fall and bleed, lay naked in the sand.

i feel my body hurt, but am still whole.
alive, continuously a child
i'll still love with this heart, risk with this soul.

i continue to run away,
maybe one day i'll stay.

but i am just one, one, one girl
to run through, against, and with this entire world.

Intermission- power

i see your power and i wish i had it before.

i see your power and see i finally have it now.

i see your power and hope it's not just for today.

because i see your power and it's giving me these feelings again.

respect is becoming more attractive.
you are becoming more attractive.

Intermission

rest my weary heart, that weary soul.

this blog was my love letter.
my poetry.
a goal.

until i understand...
an intermission is at hand.

no pictures tonight...
i lost this fight

to trust to hope
but you will live
and i will cope.

you must. i must.

understand when we no longer know eachother.
we will pass as strangers,
just another
person trying to live, trying to feel
with no regard to what is still real.

i used to love,
to inspire,
to play,
to be.

now i'm wiser,
with strangers laying next to me.

a couple days ago, the stranger laying next to me said...
"don't be sad that it's ending, be happy that it happened".

but this time I'm glad it's finally ending, and sad that it happened this way.

you knew.
thank you.

this is how the trip ends.

Bucket list

once just a funny idea that came as a result of a couple lazy nights in watching portlandia a couple months ago...

...can now be crossed off.

Just about

four days summed up by the last one

Foolery

secrets only being 700 miles away from home can bring out in us

Vibrant

means that we can finally see those greener greens, bluer blues, whiter whites with these blind city slicker eyes

The sky

tonight it falls upon us

here's to a great rest of the year

Portlandia

watched the sun set in Oregon

Los Angeles

watched the sun rise in california

Classic

Beats